Any Minute Now
by nicoleb
Summary: A parody (crackfic) of a certain scene from Tales of Symphonia involving Botta. Implied Yuan/Botta; random Renegade A/random Renegade B; crackfic; spoilers; joking-but-NSFW sex & sexual references; non-canon. Rated M just to be safe.


**Hey there! This is a crackfic I wrote for a certain scene in Tales of Symphonia. Barako and I (along with many other fans) agree that, as moving, heartbreaking and heroic as Botta's death was, it really made no sense from a logical point of view. Really, everyone in that scene just acted like complete morons, and this crackfic is basically a huge, 'artistic' lampshade-rant. ;)**

**Special thanks to Barako for proofreading this for me. And special thanks to Oliver Kong for his excellent Tales of Symphonia script, which I made much use of for this crackfic. :)**

**Warnings: implied Yuan/Botta; random Renegade A/random Renegade B; crackfic; spoilers; joking-but-NSFW sex & sexual references; non-canon**

**Note: In order to make the narration easier, I named the two random Renegades with Botta. One is called Gala, and one is called Songi. Yeah, I have no creativity whatsoever. :D Mind you, this isn't a crossover for Tales of Symphonia and Legend of Legaia (as awesome as that'd be); I just felt like naming the characters after my OTP from that game. ^^ Of course, since those Renegades have next to no personality, I definitely mixed some of Gala and Songi's into them. XD**

Lloyd and his companions watched in horror as the flood of water streamed into the small, closed-off control room. Botta and his two subordinates were soon covered up to their knees, and though the leaking water's flow began to slow after that, it didn't stop.

"Oh, no!" Lloyd cried, rushing forward to the trapdoor he and his companions had just escaped by. "We've got to open that door!"

He tried yanking the heavy door open, but even as Genis rushed over to help him, it soon became obvious that it was pointless. The door was locked.

"It's no use! Arrgh! It won't budge!" Genis slammed his fist against the door in helpless frustration.

"Move!" Regal said.

Without waiting, he moved up to the glass window and kicked at it hard with his powerful feet. The strong glass didn't even crack. Finally, gasping, Regal drew back. The water inside the room was now up to the Renegades' waists. Outside, Raine looked grim.

"Botta did this on purpose. They knew the water was coming and locked it from the inside," she said.

"Why would they do that?!" Colette said, dismayed.

"If the door opens, this area will be flooded as well. And as you can see, the ceiling is covered by a dome. There's nowhere for the water to escape," Raine said.

"...They did it... to save us?" Presea murmured. She sounded as shocked as everyone else felt.

"No! We have to do something!" Colette said after a moment, clasping her hands together.

"Dammit! Isn't there anything we can do?!" Lloyd demanded, glaring at the glass covering the control room like it was a hated enemy.

From the other side of the glass, Botta gave a weak sort of smile and walked up to the higher level inside the control room. His two subordinates followed. The water was now only lapping at their feet, but it was only a matter of time before it was over their heads.

"We've stopped the self-destruct system," Botta said, speaking into the mic inside the room so his voice would better be heard.

"Botta! Open the door!" Lloyd said. There was real desperation in his voice now. "If we destroy the dome overhead..."

"Our goal was to modify each ranch's mana reactor in order to fire mana at the Great Seed," Botta said calmly. "Now that we've finished reprogramming this control room, our mission is complete." He hesitated for a moment, swallowed and went on. "We need you to get the message to Yuan that we have succeeded."

"Tell him yourself!" Lloyd shouted. "Open the door, now!"

Lloyd drew his twin blades and began hammering on the glass, trying to break it, but it was no more use than Regal's feet had been. Botta went on talking as though he hadn't heard him, even as the water rose to his and his subordinates' knees.

"We pray for your success in regenerating the world. Please see to it that Martel is finally allowed her eternal sleep..." He smiled a little. "...For Yuan's sake as well."

With that, Botta pressed a switch, and large, metal shutters came down and blocked the glass window, shielding them from all view. The cries of Lloyd and his companions were instantly silenced, leaving only the sound of the gushing water and the other two Renegades' terrified breathing. The water was now at their waists again.

"Lord Botta, what the hell?!" demanded one of the Renegades, a young brunet called Gala. "You didn't say anything about this!"

"Yeah, really! Open the door!" agreed the other Renegade, a red-head around the same age as Gala named Songi.

"No, no," Botta said, speaking calmly as though they were only disagreeing about trivial things. "Irving and his companions will save us. They have Half-Elves with them, and they can use magic."

"Uh... Sir, _we're_ Half-Elves, and we can use magic," Gala pointed out.

"I can't," Songi said. "I used all my TP on the way here grinding against sea monsters."

"Oh, seriously?" Gala said, turning to him. The water was now at their chests. Very soon, they would have to begin treading water. "Me too, actually. But that's why we have Orange Gels and such. Lord Botta has..." He trailed off, looking at their leader with a cautious kind of optimism.

"I ate those," Botta said, shrugging.

"You _what_?!" Gala and Songi said in simultaneous horror. Botta glared at them defensively.

"Well, I was _hungry_," he said. "And Songi ate all the steak on the way here, so..."

"You idiot!" Songi snapped. He would've said more, but by now the water had reached their chins, and they had to begin floating. There was only about a meter's height of air left between them and the ceiling now.

"Oh, relax," Botta said, kicking his legs carelessly to keep himself afloat. "Irving will save us any minute."

_Meanwhile, with Lloyd and the others..._

"If we lose, we'll never be able to pass on Botta's message," Colette said, as she and her companions faced off against a swarm of dragons.

_Back to Botta_

"Dammit!" Songi said, really panicking now. "Botta, give me the key to that trapdoor, and we'll escape through here!"

The water had slowed in rising yet again, so there was still plenty of room left to breathe, but for how much longer that would last, they didn't know.

"I can't give you the key," Botta said, still in that maddeningly calm voice. "I knew you two would chicken out, so I swallowed it after I locked the door."

Gala and Songi gaped at him, lost for words, as though their leader's very stupidity had robbed them of their ability to speak.

"_Relax_," Botta said again, rolling his eyes. "Any minute now, Irving and the others will save us."

_Back to Lloyd and the others_

Outside, Lloyd, Genis and the others were rising to the dome's surface on the flying Rheairds the Half-Elf child Mithos had brought for them.

"Thank you, Mithos! We owe you our lives," Genis was saying, smiling at his fellow kinsman. "I didn't realize how amazing you are!"

Mithos blushed.

"N-Not... Not at all," he stammered. Genis gave him a radiant smile.

"I'm so happy we're friends!" he said.

_Back to Botta_

"_Any_ minute now," Botta said. The water was rising, slowly but steadily. There was now barely a head's height between them and the ceiling.

"Oh, screw this," Songi said moodily. "We're gonna die here, thanks to this stupid moron. Gala, wanna have one more for old time's sake? Since it's the last chance we'll have ever have?"

"Sure, Songi," Gala said. He gave Botta a dirty look as he swam over to Songi, and the two clumsily stripped naked.

Their unattached clothes floated slowly and listlessly along the surface of the rising water, and Botta turned away, not wanting to see his subordinate's antics. He still heard them though.

_Damn, it's a good thing we're gonna survive this,_ Botta thought, trying to drown out the sounds of Gala and Songi's moans, _or else I'd say this was a really crappy thing for me to have to suffer through in my last moments alive. Any minute now..._

_Back to Lloyd and the others_

"So then, what now?" Zelos asked, as they flew through the sky on the Rheairds.

"We have to tell Yuan about Botta," Colette said.

"Yeah." Lloyd allowed a short moment of silence on behalf of their fallen comrades, then continued. "We also need to find out if we can use the Rheairds so Mithos can return to Tethe'alla."

"Shall we pay a visit to the Renegades, then?" Regal said, flexing his strong, shackled arms - arms that could break anything, be it glass, metal or stone - in his lap.

"...Ah... Yes, of course," Mithos said, nodding. The friends directed their Rheairds in the direction of the Renegade Base, whistling cheerfully.

_Back to Botta_

Their heads were bumping up against the ceiling, just as Gala and Songi climaxed together in one last, triumphant shared cry of ecstasy. Botta made sure to keep his distance from them, lest the... fruits of their lovemaking should drift over to him and contaminate his area of the water.

_Any minute now..._

"Well," Songi said, once he'd gotten his breath back, "that was fun. Thanks, Gala. And thank _you_, Botta, for seeing to it that our lives be tragically and uselessly cut short."

"You're welcome, Songi," Gala said. "And yes, Lord Botta. _Thanks_. We're being sarcastic, by the way, just in case you're too stupid to get it."

"They'll be here any minute now," Botta insisted stubbornly. The water was at their chins again, but this time they could not avoid it.

"Bullshit," Songi said, then he and Gala took a deep breath as the water finally engulfed them. Botta didn't bother doing this, since he knew it was only a matter of seconds before Irving and his friends busted open the glass door and let freedom and air swirl in over them.

Gala and Songi embraced as their breath and life quickly ebbed out of them. Botta, his own lungs growing tight and his vision becoming blurred, just managed to think, _Any minute now,_ one last time, before his lungs filled with water and everything went black.

"Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me!" Songi said, looking down at his, Gala's and Botta's corpses in disgust. He and the other two were now transparent and weightless, rising above the flooded room and towards the top of the dome that Lloyd and his companions had escaped through. Notably, Gala and Songi were still naked, just like their lifeless counterparts.

"We're dead now?!" Gala said, sounding somewhere between horrified and enraged. "Lord Botta, you _idiot_!"

For a few moments, Botta was too stunned to speak. Why hadn't Irving and the others saved them? They'd managed to break open the dome - he saw that as they rose towards its top - and there was fresh air beyond it. There was no reason why they couldn't have busted open the control room, freed their allies and escaped with them, was there? They must've had a very good reason for abandoning them, in any case.

"Smooth one, genius!" Songi snapped, smacking Botta with his transparent hand, then checking himself. "Oh, nice. It seems we can touch each other like this, even if we can't touch anything else."

"That's a relief," Gala said. He smiled and took Songi's ghostly hand in his. "We'll have an eternity to be together, then."

"And won't it be hilarious when they find our bodies?" Songi said, grinning. "I bet it'll give them a huge shock."

"Not really. Everyone knows you two are boinking," Botta said, as he and his subordinates came out through the broken dome and floated in the sky.

"Just like everyone knows you and Yuan are boinking," Songi retorted. "And don't think we're _happy_ about this, idiot. We weren't old and half-dead like you. I'm only nineteen, and Gala is eighteen. We still had plenty of things we wanted to do, _alive_."

"Oh, stop complaining," Botta said, his tone of voice indicating that he thought Songi was being very unreasonable. "We may be dead, but at least we'll be remembered as heroes. I bet Yuan will even throw a party in our honor."

"What good's a party when we won't be able to eat the steak there?" Songi said, hitting Botta again. "Oh, to hell with this. Come on, Gala. Let's go try dead sex for a bit. And after that..." He cast Botta a murderous look. "After that, we'll come back and haunt Botta for the rest of eternity."

"Sounds good," Gala said. "I doubt Lord Botta will like watching us boink in front of him all day, every day, for all time."

Without another word, Gala and Songi floated off, arm in arm, giving Botta the finger with their free hands as they went.

"It'll be worth it!" Botta called after them. "We'll be remembered as heroes! Yuan will be so proud!" That said, Botta turned his ghostly figure in the opposite direction of his two former subordinates and flew off towards the Sylvarant Renegade base.

_Meanwhile, Lloyd and the others go to see Yuan in his office at the Renegade base..._

Botta arrived just in time to see Irving and the others telling Yuan about his death. They didn't mention Gala or Songi, and Botta thought fleetingly that it was a good thing the two weren't around to see that right now. He didn't need to be bitched at by them even more.

"Yuan..." Colette began, hesitantly. "Botta is..."

"...He died," Yuan finished for her. His arms were folded, and his face was expressionless. It was impossible to tell what he was thinking. Unseen, Botta floated above him, watching.

"Yes..." Lloyd said, clenching his fists. "He asked us to tell you that he completed his mission."

"I see..." Yuan said. There was a short silence, then he said: "Then we'll activate the dimensional transfer system. You may go between the worlds as you like."

"Is that all you have to say?!" Lloyd burst out. "Botta gave his life for the Renegades and—"

"Lloyd! ...It is not our place to speak," Regal interrupted him, using his powerful arms to rip apart a large, gold ring from Yuan's desk out of boredom.

"This guy has been with that Botta for a long time," Zelos said. "Nothing we say will make a difference."

"...Fine," Lloyd said, turning away.

"How did he die?" Yuan asked, unfolding his arms.

"Heroically," Botta supplied, unheard.

"He and his subordinates... uh, I never learned their names. He and his subordinates went into the control room and disabled the self-destruct system. But then the ranch started to flood, and they locked themselves into the control room. They knew we'd be caught in the flood with them if they opened it," Lloyd said.

"Why didn't they just unlock the door after they disabled the system?" Yuan asked, raising his eyebrows. "I mean, exactly how fast was the water rising? A meter a second, or...?"

"More like a meter a minute," Genis said. Yuan frowned.

"Then I don't see why they didn't just come out into the main room with you," he said. "Oh, wait. Yes, I do. Because Botta is an idiot and always has to do things the stupid way. I remember once I asked him to go pick me up a pizza, and instead of just walking to the pizza place right next door to our base, he took the Rheairds halfway across Sylvarant to some cat village. He said it was because the other pizza place didn't have pineapples, even though I didn't _ask_ for pineapples, and he hates them. Then he got drunk on the way back and crashed the Rheaird into the ocean, and I had to go pick him up. The Rheaird was completely totaled, and the pizza was soaked and uneatable. Talk about moronic."

Yuan stopped his rant for a moment, seeming to think of something. Lloyd and the others watched him warily, Botta curiously.

"Wait..." Yuan said, slowly and deliberately. "You two..." He pointed at Genis and Raine. "You two are Half-Elves, right?"

"Yes, we are."

Yuan looked close to banging his head on his desk.

"Then why didn't you just use magic?!" he demanded. "I know why Botta and those other two didn't. Knowing Botta, he probably made sure they had no TP and were completely out of Orange and Pineapple Gels!"

"Oh, you know me so well, sir," Botta smiled, looking down at his leader fondly.

"But you..." Yuan said, glaring at Genis and Raine. "You two could've... You know what? I won't even say it. Just look here."

He picked up another gold ring from his desk and waved it under Genis' nose.

"Destroy this," he ordered. "Use a Fire Ball or Indignation or whatever. Just destroy it."

Confused, Genis complied, summoning up a small but powerful fireball with his kendama in a matter of seconds.

"Fire Ball!"

Immediately, the flame burned through the gold, turning it to ash. Yuan let go of it before it could burn him, then stomped the smoldering cinders into the carpet before they could spread.

"Now," he said, turning his attention back to his guests, "that was solid gold. I'm assuming the wall or door separating you from Botta was made of metal or something?"

"Glass and metal," Genis said meekly.

"Great. And you know that those two things are considerably weaker than gold, the thing you were able to burn to nothing in no time at all with just a basic spell, right? _Right_?"

"Uh..." Genis cast his eyes downward, as did Raine. Everyone except Colette looked ashamed.

"I don't get it," she said. "What's Yuan trying to say? Did Genis and Professor Sage do something wrong?"

"And you," Yuan said, turning his attention to Regal and not even justifying the girl's stupidity with an answer. "You just broke one of my rings - thanks, by the way; those were a gift from Martel - with your bare hands. Are you going to tell me you didn't even try to break the wall in the ranch with your hands?"

"No," Regal said, "but Lloyd tried using his cheap metal swords."

Yuan stared at them all silently for a moment, then with a long sigh brought a hand up to cover his face.

"Oh, for the love of God..." he said, mumbling into his facepalm in a kind of stupefied rage. "Just... Just get out. All of you. And you!"

He shot this last sentence at a young Renegade, who'd been standing idly by the door. The young Renegade snapped to attention at once.

"Y-Yes, sir?"

"Go and send out a search party to retrieve the bodies," Yuan said, still speaking into his hand. "And notify their next of kin - and make sure you tell them they're dead because Botta, Lloyd Irving and all his friends are freaking morons."

"Uh... Y-Yes, sir!"

A few hours later, after all the business with Botta and others' deaths was taken care of, Yuan sat down at his desk and opened a bottle of hard liquor. After everything he'd been dealing with lately, he really needed it.

"Sir, you really shouldn't drink," Botta said, still hovering above him.

To his surprise, Yuan started slightly and looked up at him. Yuan's face was creased with fatigue and impatience, but it appeared to clear a little when he saw Botta.

"Oh, Botta," he said, taking a swig from his bottle. "Hey."

Botta smiled. Ever since Irving and the others had left, he'd been trying to communicate with his leader, but Yuan hadn't acknowledged him. It had become obvious soon enough that the dead could not communicate with the living, even if they were right next to them - under normal circumstances. In this case, it had eventually worked for some reason. Botta wasn't sure why. Aside from trying to get Yuan's attention, all Botta had done for the past few hours was pray nonstop, making the same request - 'Please let me speak to Yuan' - literally thousands of times.

_Meanwhile, in Heaven..._

"_There_," God said, sighing in exasperation as he watched the ghost of Botta in Yuan's office through his magic crystal ball. "Now he might finally leave me alone!"

_Back to Yuan and Botta_

"Hello, sir." Botta answered his leader's greeting with his usual politeness. "How are you?"

"Just about to get ripped off my ass," Yuan said dryly, "because you're so stupid, Botta."

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry. I really thought Irving and his companions would save us."

"They're stupid, too," Yuan said, taking another large drink from the bottle. "Everyone in this world is stupid except me. I'm sick of it."

"I'm sorry, sir," Botta said again.

Yuan sighed. He couldn't seem to stay mad at the idiot when he was right in front of him, no matter how stupid he could be.

"Well," he said, softening somewhat, "I guess it's not completely your fault. Like I said, Irving and his bunch are stupid. How did those two Renegades you had with you take all this, by the way?"

"Oh, they were pissed, sir," Botta said. "They said they're going to haunt me by having sex in front of me for the rest of eternity. They went off for some alone-time shortly after we died."

"Well, I'd like to say you don't deserve such a fate, Botta, but..."

"Yes, sir. I know."

"Speaking of which..." Yuan eyed Botta with mild interest and took another swig of liquor. "I don't suppose you can still give me hand-jobs when you're like that?"

"I don't think so, sir," Botta said sadly. "I've been trying to make contact with you ever since Irving and the others left, but my hands just go right through you, like any solid object I try to touch."

"Piss off, then," Yuan said, taking out a sheet of paper from his desk and looking at it while raising the bottle again. "I'm very busy."

"Yes, sir," Botta said obediently. How many times had he heard that line?

"I guess you can keep your room, even if you can't use the bed," Yuan said, his eyes on the sheet. "Come visit me once and a while. You're completely useless now, but then, you were pretty much useless for everything but sex before this anyway, and I can get sex elsewhere."

"Will you let me watch when you do, sir?" Botta asked hopefully. The corners of Yuan's mouth twitched.

"If you're good. Now, away with you."

"Yes, sir!"

**I am a terrible person who deserves to be smacked multiple times for writing this fic. XD I will admit I had a lot of fun with it though. And despite thinking that Botta's death could've been avoided if the characters had been less moronic, I still think it's a very sad, moving scene - definitely one of my favorites in the whole game.**

**You'll probably notice that I just couldn't resist giving this fic a, uh, semi-happy ending. It was originally just gonna end with Yuan telling Botta to piss off, but I thought that would be a bit harsh. Yuan/Botta has grown on me a lot, and I'll very likely write a serious fic or two for them in the near-future (and Yuan/Kratos, probably xD).**


End file.
